This is a confession from a compulsive gambler in a gambling addiction
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I am 28 years male from Europe. I thought I would share my story with you all.
First of all sorry for my English, it is not my native language.
My story starts back to 2005, first time in my life I have visited a bookies, I didn't knew about gambling anything before that day. I was 19 years old, happy guy. Loved by girls, surrounded by friends, always optimistic and smart. Friends was calling me “google” as I knew a lot and was sharing stories with them.
So that day when I first visited bookies I have had placed my first bet, and unfortunately I won it.
Since then I have been hooked.
Now when I realize everything I understand that I was addicted since then, but didn't took control of my life, just gambled.
I remember when I was studying in the capital of my country, my parents were giving me some money weekly for food and stuff that I need in college. Guess where that money went? Not all of them, as I was not hooked so bad then, but most of my money I gambled away. I had a girlfriend, my first love, she was everything to me, I loved she so much. We both were from the same city, but when I started my studies we only meet on weekends when I get back home from capital. Remember I have gambled away even money for my trip back home, staying at colleague barracks and lied she I has some important stuff to do. Soon she left me, I was isolated in gambling and when I was gambling I didn't cared about anything else, even she. Remember that day I felt like my life is over, I lost someone I loved so much. But then I didn't blamed gambling at all.
I have dropped my studies, because of financial problems that gambling caused and moved to another country to work, emigrated.
I wasn't gambling there as gambling wasn't legal in that country but even then I was daily thinking about bets. I was sending money to my brother back home and asked him to bet on my behalf.
I was so stupid.
When I came back home after two years I had earned some money, bought a car, rented a nice flat, got a good job and was happy at that moment. Then I remember I have received an invite from my close friend to join play some poker at his house, that night I got addicted to another game.
I have lost all my money, reputation, car. Took out loan from a bank and lost it playing poker. I borrowed money from everyone I knew. I was broke, with no money and huge debts, but even then I didn't blamed gambling. I was hiding from everyone about my gambling, that was my secret.
I had a good job as I said, but being in the financial bottom I have dropped my job and left my country again, going somewhere where salary was bigger.
Of course I have gambled away all the money I have earned, feeding my addiction daily.
I came back empty, started living in the capital.. then again I have struggled to live as a normal guy, getting pressure about my debts and I left my county again, and again being abroad I have gambled away all I had. Even had committed a crime to feed my addiction. I have borrowed money everywhere I could get it and had a huge debt on my name in the foreign country. The I have realized I am gambling addict, it was 2010 maybe. But I couldn't stop.
I have tried everything, but nothing worked. I was betting daily, borrowing, lied, I was animal.
I came back broken, with out money and with even bigger debt.
But that didn't stopped me. Gambling was part of my life.
Than I got married, gambled and hided that from my wife. Was betting our money and lied to she.
She left me 18 moths latter after our marriage because she was missing my attention, of course all my attention went to gambling.
After my wife left me I had run in to casino same evening trying to fight with my bad mood. I even lost everything again that night, but was lucky to get back home even. I stopped gambling for a while, was clean 3 months, going to the gym, I was happy those 3 months. Then again, I was in the same hole.. I relapsed and started betting..
a year latter I meat a girl, she was so nice, very honest and reliable person. I felt in love again. Moved to another city to live together. We were planing a lot to do together, but she didn't knew I was a gambler. Remember when she was asking what I am thinking, what is in my minds, she said I was anxious and stressed but all I was saying I am ok, because I didn't wanted anyone to know I am gambler, I thought people will turn around from me. So I was hiding that. 6 moths latter she left me because I was closed inside and didn't talked about whats in my minds. Remember I was even taking(stealing) stuff from home and going to the pawn shops to get money for it so I can gamble.
I have ruined my reputation even more, I was in huge debts, frozen bank accounts and no education or good job. I was totally nothing...
Then I have decided I will leave my country once again and will go to Norway, earn some money and fix my life finally. I said myself no more gambling I can do that.
So I have arrived in Norway in the end of 2013. I am here since then.
But unfortunately I haven't stopped gambling and reached very bottom here.
I started to gambling huge amounts I have never had before in my life. Wages are good here, so my betting amounts increased, increased because I was in need to bet more to get same rush.
I have borrowed money from people I meat here, I have called my parents told them I am in trouble and that they need to take a loan to help me here, they have send me a money and I lost it all again.
When I realized I have had lost around 200,000 NOK in 6 months I have started to cry. I was crying and was even thinking suicidal. I thought my life have never been worse, so I decided I will get money somewhere and will gamble back at least a half I have lost so I can sleep calm at night and avoid stressful phone calls.
And.. I lost even more, added 100,000 NOK on loses.
Now I am writing this story being divorced, kicked from job, unhappy, unhealthy, sad, mad, broken, in debts.
And I can't understand, if my dream is to be gambling free why I am doing so?
Why I am chasing those losses?
Why I am borrowing money and risking it at poker tables or bookies?
Why I can't stop today?
I want to stop gambling for a 5 years and these 6 last months were worst in my life.
And this huge debt and self disappointment lead me to thing about that and finally stop forever.
I want that so much, I want to be gamble free. I don't want to be addict. I want to live like a normal man.
I have robbed, scammed and did criminal activities to feed my gambling. I am crying thinking what an animal I am, what's wrong with me? I have never ever stolen anything before, so why I am doing that for gambling purposes?
I was handsome young guy, smart, brave and strong.
10 years after I feel like my life is worthless. I have been isolated in gambling world and just literally gambled away my life.
I don't want to cry any more, I know I am in so huge debts so I need to work probably 2-3 years to get even, but I am ready for that. My life is worth more than 3 years of hard work.
All I am afraid that the only way to get out this situation is the hard way. All those 10 years I was looking the easy way to get rich, win big, but now I know there is no easy way. Only hard work can help me out.. I am ready for that, I admit I am an addict. I am scared to tell that to the loved ones and friends, they have no clue about that. My parents have no clue as well, nobody does. Gambling was my biggest secret, my love. But not anymore. I hate myself for what I did to myself, I hate because I came to this point where I am now.
I want to be free. I want go to sleep calm and wake up with out stress.
I want to live, I want to live a normal life.
I have downloaded a book ”easy way to stop gambling” by Allen Carr. I hope this book will change my life.
I would go to GA meetings but I don't speak Norwegian and I don't think they will support me there.
So all my hopes going to this book and your help.
As I said I admit I am ill. I admit this addiction overtaking my life.
I haven't bet today because I have no money and I am afraid that I will relapse same day I get some. As always was. Money is my enemy, because I don't imagine another way to get out of these debts.
How I will tell my parents that money they borrowed me was for gambling, how I will tell friends that I have lied them everyday. I am afraid that after telling the truth they will turn of from me and ill stay alone.
I have gambled my life.. I am crying now, not because I am weak. But because I didn't beat this addiction so long. I am zero now..
I have read many things about gambling addiction and watched a lot videos. But still getting back to gambling when money hits my accounts.
Sitting now with no money, no food, unpaid bills and all things I have ever bought I have sold and gambled the money.. writing this story and willing that tomorrow when I wake up ill stay strong and keep strong forever.
I begg a God to give me willpower do not risk my money anymore.
Thank you for reading and again sorry for my English.